"Crazy Monkeys"



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Damn footie pajamas!  Damn zipper!  She couldn't get it to cooperate. She needed to pee.  Now!  What was a grown woman doing wearing one piece footie pajamas, anyway?  Trying to reclaim her youth?  Mission accomplished.  She will soon have peed her pants!  Finally she got unzipped and took care of business.  It was nippy in the house so she put the defiant jammies back on.  She should have went with the drop seat option!  Snug as a bug in a rug, my foot!
 
Polar fleece.  What is that, really?  Somewhere is there a fleeced polar bear standing naked in the snow?  If so, she will remember to heartily apologize if someday she is roaming the arctic and comes across a polar bear shivering in the cold. 
 
She could have went with the yellow duckies on blue.  Or the brown teddy bears on pink.  Instead she went with the crazy monkeys on brown design. Seemed appropriate.  Crazy seemed to be a recurring motif in her life. 
 
Daring!  That should be her new motif!  She suddenly had a craving for donuts.  The Krispy Kreme drive thru was open 'till midnight.  It was 11:15.  Plenty of time.  Sure, the world outside looked like a giant snow globe that had just been vigorously shaken and turned upright, but that would make the event even more daring!  What would really be daring would be to go out in public in her PJ's.  She had secretly always harbored a perverse desire to do just that.  Double daring!  Inclement weather!  Pajamas in public!   Was there no stopping her!  Of course slipping on her snow boots would defeat the purpose. 
 
She grabbed her purse, pulled out her car keys and headed out the front door accompanied by a gang of crazy monkeys and kept warm by the sacrifice of a philanthropic polar bear, remembering to lock the door on her way out.  Wouldn't want to make it too easy for any burglars or serial killers who just happen to be passing by.  They would jiggle the knob, know that someone on top of things lived inside, and continue on in their quest for a less conscientious person to victimize.  That's what happens when you don't take life seriously.
 
Her car was covered in three inches of new snow. Now it was 11:20.  Still plenty of time.  She maneuvered cautiously down the steps and over to the car.  She unlocked the door, reached inside for the windshield scraper and proceeded to brush the snow off all the windows.  Sparkly, light and fluffy.  Cooperative.  A good omen.  She got inside, turned on the engine and backed out of the driveway.
 
It was only about three miles to  Krispy Kreme, country road for the first two miles.  It felt exhilarating to have thrown caution to the wind.  Yes.  Daring would be her new life motif.  Things were gonna be exciting from here on out!  She sang a joyous polar bear song!  Two naked polar bears, sitting in a tree.  K-I-S-S-I-N  Gee!  A mischievous dog had materialized in front of her headlights.  She swerved to miss it.  She did.  She also missed the pavement and went sliding into the ditch.  Damn!  She couldn't see any lights in the home close by.  She'd call for help.  Double damn!  She'd left her cell phone back at the house.  She'd just have to walk back home and arrange for assistance.
 
She pushed the lock button on her car door, closed it and began to trudge through the snow.  Crazy monkeys cavorting in the night.  Snow pelted crazy monkeys shivering in the night! 
 
The no-skid bottoms of her pajama feet did not gain much traction out here in the wilderness. She heard a faint train whistle.  It added ambiance.  That was nice.
 
She started to giggle. Then she began to laugh so hard that tears began to roll down her cheeks. She bet they sparkled like crystal. Romantic. She laughed even harder. Eventually her laughter subsided when she realized that she now had to pee. Damn laughter. What was she thinking laughing at a time like this? She trudged by another home with no lights in the window. Damn inconsiderate people. What were they thinking, going to bed so early on a night like this?
 
Finally she saw the light shining out of her own living room window.  Not much farther now.  She could make it.  She was finally at her own front door. Keys!  She'd left her keys in the ignition.  Crap! (She didn't want to sound repetitive.)  Wait.  She had an extra key inside a decorative rock lined up amongst the other rocks edging the front sidewalk.  Easy to spot (in the summer).  She started frantically digging in the snow, throwing uncovered rocks this way and that!  Finally she found the one that was much lighter than the others. She grabbed the house key out of the hollow compartment.  Lucky for her that burglars and serial killers wouldn't be ingenious enough to pick up on the fake rock ruse.
 
She rushed to the front door and unlocked it, racing across the living room in a frenzy to make it to the bathroom in time!  Yes!  At the toilet!  Zipper's stuck!  Damn footie pajamas! Damn monkeys mocking her!  Yup.  She had definitely reclaimed her youth.